I'm pretty gullible. And I'm pretty transparent.
I realize not everyone is like me; but it took me a long time to realize this.
I trust people. Maybe too easily. I like to think I have a dose of skepticism regarding people's motivations but honestly, If you write to me telling me you're the prince of Jordan, I tend to believe you. By the way-- shout out to my man Hassan-- hit me up on Facebook sometime.
I'm just kidding. I fucking hate Facebook.
So anyway, when I form a relationship with someone, either online or offline-- I prefer to say what I mean, and mean what I say. The entire way there I'll go over if I really think what I mean before saying it. And if I like you-- well-- you'll get pure unfiltered Dunneh. But not in a sexual way. Unless you want that. In which case, we can work something out. I don't charge.
Much.
But I realized slowly that most people don't operate like me. Well, I tend to operate with a chainsaw. I'm not very delicate. That isn't to say I'm not tactful, because I don't use honesty as an excuse to be a bitch or anything. It's more that I hate to beat around the bush, and I hate playing games. Especially with people I really like.
When I was a kid, I had two best friends. When you have two best friends, inevitably the dynamic of friendship becomes unequal. Because you'll always get along with one of them more than the other. And that's what happened one day. Except they got along with each other, and not me, suddenly.
I mean, I was ten. I didn't really expect to be sat down and told; "well D, we really like you the least in this circle of friendship. But if you increase your productivity on the playground, we'll hang out with you more. We'll have another meeting in a month."
No, we were kids. So they showed me they didn't like me like kids do: They ran away from me.
Now again, I'm gullible and transparent. And I didn't get it at first. Until literally, I'd walk over for the fifth or sixth time that day, and they'd get up and walk away.
... I wasn't a bright 10 year old, what can I say?
Well, these were people that were my friends up until a day before. And suddenly, (at least to me) they had decided I was not worth their time. And instead of telling me this, they decided to play games with me-- which actually was more cruel than just telling me-- and inevitably hurt me more. It affected my self worth, but not necessarily in just a negative way either.
Firstly, of course, it made me question myself constantly. "Is there something wrong with me? Am I weird? Do I make people not like me?" This is something that I carry inside even still. This need for reassurance can be pretty annoying, and it perseveres in me even today.
Secondly, it made me indignant, "Well, there's nothing wrong with me and people that don't like me for me are full of shit." This is in direct conflict with the first point, but nevertheless, it's something I took away from the experience.
Thing is, after I got 'the hint' -- which took me a while -- I absolutely never hung out with them again.
It just takes me a while for me to register. Like I said, I'm gullible. Or maybe I just find it unfathomable that someone wouldn't like me.
I am pretty awesome.
But what tends to happen, is that I keep trying to be their friend for a while even though they make it obvious (to them-- not to me,) that they don't want the same thing. But again, once I actually realize they're figuratively 'getting up and running away' from me, I shrug and move on. Not that it still doesn't hurt my feelings having to figure it out on my own.
Which brings me to my last point. The most positive thing that this experience gave me, is my ability to be honest. Even now, even still, I absolutely hate playing games with peoples feelings.
Unfortunately, I'm in the minority, I think.
It's hard for people to ask; "Do you like me? What the fuck is up with you?" I'm not sure why that is. It's not hard for me to ask people, but it's hard for people to both ask, and answer. They'll sit there and stew over whether someone is pissed off or angry without actually asking them, 'Look, seriously, what's up with you? If you don't want to be friends, then let's not. That's fine with me.'
That's never been difficult to ask, for me.
And if there's a problem in the relationship, they'll sit there and be all passive aggressive with the person at the risk of hurting their feelings. I used to be this way, too. But to be honest, it's a waste of time, and it's incredibly cruel. It actually makes things worse for both of you.
If you care about someone, withdrawing yourself emotionally or breaking down communication between you will absolutely hinder the relationship.
Maybe it's harsh to say; 'yeah, it's you.' It is. But it's worse to pretend it isn't them, when it is. And it's worse to pretend you care, when you don't, just because you don't want to hurt someone.
Hint: You are hurting them anyway. And you're prolonging it. And you're an ass.
It solves nothing.
For example, one of my exes decided one day I wasn't what he wanted in a relationship. Instead of telling me, he withdrew emotionally. Withdrawing emotionally made the whole relationship slowly spiral out of control to the point where there was no saving us. In the end, he did his equivalent of 'running away from me' -- he began to avoid me until one day, he just abandoned me. Turned around and didn't look back.
Needless to say, I obviously didn't get it at first. If he didn't like me, he'd just tell me, right?
Yeah, no. People don't do that. They think they're sparing your feelings by not confronting you directly and telling you to your face you're not the person they want to be with.
They are not.
And they're cowards.
That's just an example, but it's happened to me repeatedly-- to me and people I know, and it'll continue to happen.
Thing is, you're not sparing anyone's feelings. It actually makes things worse. Yet somehow, people misguidedly think that in withdrawing, they are. Yeah, no. In my case, it prolonged all the hurt and pain and made me ask myself the same questions over and over. Questions that still continue to this day, months later. "But he liked me, he said so." You never get closure. If one day you're close to someone and they reaffirm this to you repeatedly throughout your relationship, it becomes much harder to suddenly believe they don't feel close to you when they withdraw-- because they haven't actually told you they don't feel close to you or no longer like you. So all you have in your mind is their affirmations, 'they told me I was awesome, so they wouldn't just not be my friend one day, right?'
Which is exactly what happens, though.
Maybe it's hard to tell someone, 'look, I don't want to be with you,' and yeah, it is. But if you ever really cared about the person you're with, you need to give them closure.
It's selfish to have closure in your own mind and decide; 'well I don't want to be with this person,' and knowingly never reach out to them again. Even if that's easier for you. Because the last thoughts you leave with them isn't: 'I don't want to see them anymore,' -- they don't know this. You decided without telling them. Instead, their last thoughts of your relationship are all positive affirmations. Like; "they told me they loved me last time we spoke -- so they must love me."
The conflict between what is happening, your avoidance-- and what they think is happening "but they like me, so why are they avoiding me? They wouldn't avoid me, would they?" actually hurts more than just saying to someone, "I don't want to talk to you."
Prolonged uncertainty hurts because there's no clean break.
Even if actions speak louder than words, and through your actions you are passively-aggressively telling them you absolutely don't love them or want to hear from them, they won't know this. They'll hurt because it's obvious you're avoiding them, but they'll hold on to this feeling and cling to the affirmations you gave them and hope they're wrong. They'll reach out to you, repeatedly. And because they're not wrong, you won't answer.
It's a kinda assholey thing to let someone throw themselves at you with no intention of telling them to either leave you alone or reciprocating their friendship. I can't really fathom reading an email or letter from someone you used to love or care about-- then intentionally ignoring it and pretending they didn't reach out to you. Even if you do have your own shit to deal with. Even if you think they are annoying and you don't care what they have to say.
I know a lot of people are that callous. Sometimes I wish I was too.
No I don't. I'm pretty awesome.
I'm not saying you have to tell someone, "look it's not me, it's you." That's pretty mean, and chances are it isn't really them. But you need to tell them something. Otherwise you're just an asshole.
Don't be an asshole. Nobody likes an asshole.
