I've been online since 1999, I think. In that time, I've had seven online love confessions, three 'boyfriends', numerous internet liasons, and more email addresses than I can figuratively shake a stick at.
I always wondered, what was it about the young adult males of the 2000s internet era that made them desperate enough to feel they loved me? It was worse when the internet was an emerging technology, and it never really stopped-- even though it's less prevalent in todays 'tits or gtfo' era. I think that at the time I personified their ideal woman; articulate, intelligent and beautiful. They didn't know if I was that last part (I wasn't) but the mind plays funny tricks on you when you really, really want something... and tends to fill in the blanks with roses and sunshine.
Nevermind the fact they didn't know me or had even seen me; they knew they loved me. I always asked myself, how many of them would not take one look at me in the light of day? I think all of them.
Attraction works like this. You see someone. You think they are superficially attractive. Based on that, you approach them. At this point you are trying to see if you are compatible with them on a more than aesthetic level. This is where things often fail. Having nothing in common, being too smart, being too stupid, being too annoying... you cannot connect with them on a meaningful level, which makes the relationship doomed. Except for certain people who feel looks are everything-- most people want the whole package. And when you can't get that, or at least a halfway decent package (I don't mean penis, but that too) you go your separate ways. There's a reason why even the most beautiful couples in Hollywood don't last... (apart from the fact they probably love themselves more than each other).
Unfortunately, (or fortunately, as the case may be) the internet turns this natural order on its head. You instead make a meaningful connection to someone before you can gauge whether or not you would be attracted to them physically. Often this is because you find each other thanks to common interests. This connection, precisely because it is meaningful... really screws things up. Because an emotional connection is much stronger than a superficial aesthetic one, and once formed it's much harder to let go of. On the internet, you tend to bond with someone on an emotional and subconscious level by being privy to their most intimate thoughts, ideas, jokes and concerns. You know straight off if they believe the same things as you, have the same sense of humor as you, and often, this sensation can be euphoric. You think 'she's funny, she's great, she's amazing, she's everything I want her to be' and when the picture of this person you built up in your mind is inaccurate with the facts-- sure she's funny and great and amazing, but when she sends you a picture and you realize she looks like your uncle Toby, only more manly-- you come down hard out of that love. Much harder than you would had you seen her in real life first. In fact you wouldn't have approached her in the first place probably.
"Well, Dunneh, how superficial of you!" I hear you say. Yeah, I'm behind you. Don't turn around.
Anyway, it's not. It's just reality. You're basically doing the order the wrong way around. So that when you finally meet this person you cannot hope to live up to the picture they've built up of you in their mind. They have a beautiful personality, so they must be beautiful, right? Even if you tell yourself they aren't, there's a small part of you that doesn't believe so.
I've had (at least) seven love confessions and three 'boyfriends'. Online. How many significant boyfriend/girlfriend relationships have I had that started off in real life (TM) ? None. No, I'm not Quasimodo's sister or anything. I look fine. I'm just completely unremarkable, really. And a bit fat. A bit ugly. A bit awkward, a bit shy and hard to be approached. (It doesn't help I don't go clubbing much).
It's enough that no one bridged the 'let's get to know her,' gap in person, though. To be honest and paint myself as less of a loser, I did meet two of the people that were 'in love with me' online in person, and they did like me physically -- so they claimed -- and they didn't stop loving me after meeting me in person. Or run away screaming. In fact, one of my friends tells me I'm pretty all the time -- (I'm really not though) even though things didn't work out. So I mean I'm not in Susan Boyle territory or anything. At least I have been kissed.
If it wasn't for the internet, I might have been Susan Boyle though. Actually that would have been fucking awesome, she's rich now.
Yesterday, I got a friend request from someone I talked to online circa ten years ago. At first, I thought it was just some random spammer-- after all, that's a pretty common occurence on ICQ. I was just about to deny the request when I took a good look at the screen name and realized it was my friend from way back. I accepted, but I'm not really sure what made him look me up suddenly. This person and I tried to have a go at an internet relationship a very long time ago. A series of misunderstandings made it nonviable at the time... he wanted someone in real life, the only option we had was long distance. And then he had a girlfriend, then they broke up... by the time that happened, I had a boyfriend. And that was it.
But this person never even saw me properly. We didn't have Skype back then, and I never sent many photos (I was and am notoriously shy and with low self esteem) and the impression he gave me that he was more in love with himself than he was really in love with me. An almost 'I love you till someone better comes along,' feeling. And that the things he saw in me were exactly as I described above; filling in the blanks... making me out to be his ideal woman. Part of me is wondering if the nostalgia of that era is what made him contact me again. I'm not too sure. But it made me think about internet love in general.
I remember one time, this young guy contacted me. He was from the UK. He was a great guy, really. Pretty good looking, smart, funny. I'm sure he still is all those things but I lost touch with him. He actually found me through my self-named website that hosted my fanfics at the time. He thought I was his age because I hadn't updated my age on the 'about me' page-- I was actually four years older than him. He fell in love with me through my writing, he said, and my website. He was 18 at the time.
I'm not talking just a simple crush-- he had this crush for the entire year he talked to me, even though I had a boyfriend at the time and I tried to let him down gently. He'd tell me about other girls but then he'd compare everyone to me. He'd definitely built me up to be his dream girl, when I wasn't anything close, at all. Even when he saw pictures, his enthusiasm lessened, but didn't go away.
I think that's part of it. The 'dream person' factor.
Everyone is looking for a soul mate, even if they think they aren't or don't believe in it, and it's so easy to paint someone you meet online as meeting these criteria because you connect with them. You get t know them before you see them. So automatically it becomes more than just superficiality. It's more than just physical, and It's more than just aesthetics.
Ordinarily you would overlook these people in real life because you would dismiss them (based on looks) before you could connect with them on a meaningful level.
Not so much now, with the advent of online profiles and dating, but it's still somewhat applicable, depending on how you meet the person. Chat roulette is different to meeting someone on a forum.
I definitely got a 'desperate' feel from guys back then. Partly because back then there were less women online. I mean, it was pre Facebook and stuff. The internet was guy-dominated. And a lot of guys I had spoken to had never had girlfriends in real life--a lot of them were in the same boat as me (cough*ugly*cough) and shy, and quick to say the L-word because of it. I think that internet culture now has different somewhat; people are definitely less accepting of women online, (that's a man!) and definitely eager to use skype use voicechat and whatnot to eliminate the general uncertainty generated when one chats online.
Still, Skype isn't real life, as my mom figured out recently. Mistakes in love online are rampant and with far-reaching repercussions. Still, how amazing is it to get to know someone before seeing them? Pretty amazing. And I'm still hoping that out there somewhere is someone who can see my whole package and like what he sees. (Aren't we all?)
♥
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