I Fucking Hate Facebook

So at least once a week, I'll get asked if I'm on Facebook.

I'm not on Facebook.

I fucking hate Facebook.

Then I get asked why, and I make up some excuse about how I don't use the internet that much (this is a lie) and then I'm made to feel like I'm some kind of backwards loser who refuses to adapt to emerging technology.

The truth is, I joined Facebook way back when it was in its infancy, because I'm a technophile and I tend to notice new sites and stuff like that. I joined under my name; I got my brother to join (he still uses his), added him as a friend, saw how it worked... and then decided I really didn't want to use it. I removed my name from the search, changed it to a pseudonym and pretty much never used it again. If you search my real name, I don't come up, at all.

Then the internet became popular. Then Facebook became popular. Then all my friends began using Facebook. Then all my friends began wondering if I was on Facebook.

"Are you on Facebook? Lets check us all in to Air nightclub," I was asked last week while at a party.

Check me in? Is this a thing? Are you girls honestly telling the internet all seven of us are going to a night club right now? Seriously?

Who gives a shit.

It's funny but in the end, we never even went in to the club we 'Checked Into' via Facebook because the queue was too long. We decided to go to another nightclub, and they forgot to check us in that one.

And this is why I hate Facebook.

Anyone that knows me, again, knows I'm crazily private. When I first got online 13 years ago, the internet was a weird and scary place where everything you did was under a username and you absolutely never shared your real name with anyone-- unless you knew them really well. Like if you talked in "ICQ" with them or something. Remember ICQ? ICQ was it back then. And even then, you never shared your address with anyone because if you did they would inevitably hunt you down and kill you while you slept.

Everyone knew that.

So basically, this was pre Skype, so getting to know someone was a slow process, and people held onto their personal details as if they were bargaining chips. Personal information was just that-- personal.

I remember one time making friends with this chick who was holding on to her first name as if it was priceless. We'd known each other a year, and she was having real problems telling me what her first name was; I didn't even ask about her surname at all. But that's the way it was back then; if you didn't really really like someone-- you wouldn't just drop your real name on them-- or your photo. Only if you really, really liked them. It was special info which needed to be earned only after you could prove to someone you could be trusted, and/or you weren't secretly a dude.

The internet was extremely male dominated those days and anyone who said they were a woman was either a man, or was an ugly woman (the latter is where I fall).

That's probably why the "tits or gtfo" mantra evolved later on; it was a direct response to overweight 50 year old men with boxes of tissues by their side; pretending to be cute teenage girls with names like "Melody".

Real life and Online was distinctly separate back then. Most real life friends of mine weren't online yet, for one thing-- it wasn't that common in Australia at least. So they didn't know my online identity. And I was fine with that-- like I wanted my very mainstream friends to come find me on Sailormoon forums and crap. And at most, you shared an email address with a real life friend, but generally your internet life was your internet life and your real life was your real life.

I still cling to that mentality deep down. I don't share personal details easily, I don't share pictures -- unless people specifically ask me -- and I hate putting my real self 'out there' so candidly; which is why I don't do well with Facebook. My shit is my shit.

This might be ironic because it's coming from a personal blog entry, where all I do is talk about my shit-- but I'm not exactly forcing my entire friends list to read it on my wall or timeline. In fact, I'm only really doing it because it's a coping mechanism for something else; it doesn't really matter if nobody reads it.

But the main reason why I'm not on Facebook is generally because I don't give a shit about people. Pfft. Stop pretending that's shocking and that it doesn't go for you. The reality is almost no one cares about anyone else; I've found this out first hand. People tend to mostly think about themselves. It's normal.

And I don't mean that I'm heartless, but it takes me a bit to actually care enough about someone to consistently wonder how they are. And it's not easy for just anyone to break that barrier; even though on the whole people tend to like me-- I know, it flabbergasts me, too. But I've had aquantainces for years and they don't always make the cut, as conceited as that sounds. Also, anyone I care enough about to wonder how they are-- I just fucking ask. I don't stalk them on Facebook. Anyone I like enough to want to hear from, I contact. Anyone I care to hear from, contacts me. Anyone else can get fucked, as far as I'm concerned.

There's a kind of "gotta catch 'em all" mentality emerging on Facebook; a competitive "I gotta get lots of friends!" without giving any real value to the offer of friendship. And it's not real friendship anyway. It just becomes about everyone you know or have ever met-- every kind of social contact you've ever made needs to somehow be cataloged and connected to you suddenly. I don't like that, because with Facebook, friendship becomes meaningless. It instead becomes more about not offending someone, than actually caring about someone. Look at how many people I have ever met in my entire life, ever! Great.

For example, again, people tend to like me in real life -- for unfathomable reasons. I tend to like them okay. They seem to like me enough to want me to be on Facebook and want me to add them as a friend. I don't always like them enough to want to do that.

I don't give it up easily. That goes for sex too, but I meant my friendship. My friendship is  kind of precious. Maybe that sounds conceited. But I don't sincerely offer my friendship to anybody halfway nice to me-- or that co-worker I really don't get along with but who for some reason fucking adores me and wants to hang out with me and I really want to avoid because all our conversations are incredibly stilted and awkward and I so don't understand what she likes about them and so if I had to endure five hours of that I'd probably try and off myself. If I had Facebook, I'd feel obligated to add that person as a friend -- even though I don't consider them one-- because they're nice and everything and I don't want to hurt their feelings. You can not add them, but then it becomes this weird elitist thing where you only add really "good" friends to your list, and then it becomes kind of obvious that they like you more than you like them. Then you're using your 'friends list' to hurt them; they feel bad because they don't make the 'close friends' cut.

And the reverse should be true, too. People shouldn't just drop their friendship on anyone, adding friends left right and center. It should be something special. If there's anything that I've learned in 13 years online is that friendship is kind of special, and real friends are actually pretty fucking rare. I should know, because I've made hundreds of contacts spanning five different social networks in that time, and met many people that want to be my friend in real life as well-- but I only have about 10 people I clicked with and consider really good friends-- and half of those I know online.

It's important to have good friends-- not just countless friends. The kind of friend you can never see but when you do, it's like no time has passed at all.

So It's just easier for me to see who I want to see and talk to who I want to talk to and not compile friends lists like I'm indexing fucking Pokemon. And It's much easier for me to just keep saying "no" when people ask if I'm on Facebook; although it's gotten to the point where my friends don't believe me-- they think I have a secret account where they don't make my friends cut, somewhere. That's what Facebook does, though. Makes people think shit like that. Because there's no feasible way someone would intentionally not be on Facebook, right? Everyone is on Facebook! It's a book of your face! How can I pass judgement on your life and things you say if you're not on Facebook? I can't press a 'like' button on your head, but with Facebook, I totally can.

Get fucked.

I don't particularly want to tell the world what I ate today or where I am or what I'm doing or where I work or what I like or what I don't like or what I did last night-- unless someone displays interest in wanting to hear it. But most people don't. In general, even-- but  even on Facebook. Because most people don't give a shit either; and that's fine with me. That goes doubly for me. It's getting to the point on Facebook where it's all about 'me me me' but people don't have anything worthwhile or interesting to say. So people just post in their little bubble, and no one really pays much attention to anyone else. It's like the epitome of selfishness. Then people get petulant because their fucking status got no likes.

You want to be Facebook famous? Fucking turn into a cat, takes lots of pictures, and then get on Facebook. You can't lose.

But no one gives a shit you had a burrito for lunch, except you, and you'll be giving that shit in about an hour, too.

And the thing is, if you're giving up every detail of your life-- then nobody is going to ask how you are any longer. They'll know. Because it's in your stream. And most people will do very little with that info because again, they don't care.  So they probably won't even ask you about it. You have a cold? You went to Bermuda? Well I know already-- I read it on Facebook.

There goes the novelty of telling people... well basically anything.

And  it's not just about not caring, it's about judging, too.

People are people. Nobody is going to be like you.

For example, one of my most colorful friends, 'Nina' -- is the complete opposite of me. I love her, but we're insanely different. She's outgoing -- I'm shy. She's promiscuous -- I'm absolutely not. She's a party girl -- I'm a homebody. She's religious -- I'm an atheist. Despite all this, I like Nina. She's funny and different, and there's nothing wrong with that. But she can be judgmental, and certainly I disagree with her vehemently; she can be anti-gay, I'm totally pro-gay rights. We've discussed it before and I always try to get her to see it my way. Also, she 'wriets liek dis' which inevitably makes her seem well, kind of retarded. If I look her up on Facebook, her 'other' description is totally Nina-- badly written and crass.

Despite all this, I actually love her, she's a good girl and a loyal and caring friend. Deep down she is a good person. But I already know if I followed her on Facebook and needed to deal with her inanity continuously that it would cloud my judgement of her. Because she's fine-- in small doses, but somehow Facebook seems to exacerbate all the negative verbal-diarrhea-like traits a person has. It's like alcohol. I already know that it would be detrimental to our friendship to hear every single thought that popped into her head.

And also the thing with Facebook is that I tend to find out things I don't want to find out. You're probably thinking, 'well it's good to know if someone is prejudiced so we can avoid them in future.' And yeah, I'd agree... except for one thing.

We're all prejudiced in some manner. Everyone is different. That doesn't make them worse than you, it just makes them different. Now I don't mean like dropping n-bombs or "I can't believe the little girl in Hunger Games was black" and fucking racist shit like that. I mean things like; "well anyone that likes football is an idiot." And I do it too-- I hate Australian rules football with a passion but I am of course, friends with people that love it. And I try not to be judgmental but the reality is; I judge people. We all do. So when we find out that this person you think is the shit loves watching reality TV crap like 'Australian Idol' or 'Masterchef' or or fucking Jamie Oliver or something you absolutely loathe, suddenly your opinion of them drops. And suddenly you think; 'wow that person is really a fucktard for liking that,' and even though it's stupid to think that way, we all tend to do it. Or, "they liked that movie? I thought it was shit. Wow I lost all respect for them because they like that. They must be stupid."

Yeah, that's not really fair.

The whole world isn't stupid but you. It's just different to you. And that's fine. You're better off trying to change your attitude to things you dislike than try to change things you dislike. Because your wrong isn't someone else's 'wrong' -- life isn't black and white. And this goes for most things, especially things people think are 'important' like political affiliations, or dietary choices and the like. Sometimes, it's just better not to know these things about your friends-- in detail at least, because they cloud your judgment towards people, and in the end the differences are unimportant anyway.

About the only good thing about Facebook is being able to keep in touch with people overseas or to find old friends you lost contact with. But I bet you anything that the only enjoyment you derive from Facebook comes at the hands of 1-5 really good, funny, great friends. Everyone else you probably don't give a shit about, even your mother and her penchant for gardening.

So just be friends with them, and care about them. Stop compiling lists of friends like people are commodities to be cataloged and graded as per how interesting a friend they are.

Life's too short to be friends with everyone. So take the good people, and cherish them. And tell everyone else to fuck off.

Or maybe don't listen to me, because I'm a bitter old hag who fucking hates everybody.

Or... you know, you can totally go 'like' Poptarts on Facebook right now or something instead.

Because of course-- the whole world needs to know.

If Not for the Internet, I Might Have Been Susan Boyle

I've been online since 1999, I think. In that time, I've had seven online love confessions, three 'boyfriends', numerous internet liasons, and more email addresses than I can figuratively shake a stick at.

I always wondered, what was it about the young adult males of the 2000s internet era that made them desperate enough to feel they loved me? It was worse when the internet was an emerging technology, and it never really stopped-- even though it's less prevalent in todays 'tits or gtfo' era. I think that at the time I personified their ideal woman; articulate, intelligent and beautiful. They didn't know if I was that last part (I wasn't) but the mind plays funny tricks on you when you really, really want something... and tends to fill in the blanks with roses and sunshine.

Nevermind the fact they didn't know me or had even seen me; they knew they loved me. I always asked myself, how many of them would not take one look at me in the light of day? I think all of them.

Attraction works like this. You see someone. You think they are superficially attractive. Based on that, you approach them. At this point you are trying to see if you are compatible with them on a more than aesthetic level. This is where things often fail. Having nothing in common, being too smart, being too stupid, being too annoying... you cannot connect with them on a meaningful level, which makes the relationship doomed. Except for certain people who feel looks are everything-- most people want the whole package. And when you can't get that, or at least a halfway decent package (I don't mean penis, but that too) you go your separate ways. There's a reason why even the most beautiful couples in Hollywood don't last... (apart from the fact they probably love themselves more than each other).

Unfortunately, (or fortunately, as the case may be) the internet turns this natural order on its head. You instead make a meaningful connection to someone before you can gauge whether or not you would be attracted to them physically. Often this is because you find each other thanks to common interests.  This connection, precisely because it is meaningful... really screws things up. Because an emotional connection is much stronger than a superficial aesthetic one, and once formed it's much harder to let go of. On the internet, you tend to bond with someone on an emotional and subconscious level by being privy to their most intimate thoughts, ideas, jokes and concerns. You know straight off if they believe the same things as you, have the same sense of humor as you, and often, this sensation can be euphoric. You think 'she's funny, she's great, she's amazing, she's everything I want her to be' and when the picture of this person you built up in your mind is inaccurate with the facts-- sure she's funny and great and amazing, but when she sends you a picture and you realize she looks like your uncle Toby, only more manly-- you come down hard out of that love. Much harder than you would had you seen her in real life first. In fact you wouldn't have approached her in the first place probably.

"Well, Dunneh, how superficial of you!" I hear you say. Yeah, I'm behind you. Don't turn around.

Anyway, it's not. It's just reality. You're basically doing the order the wrong way around. So that when you finally meet this person you cannot hope to live up to the picture they've built up of you in their mind. They have a beautiful personality, so they must be beautiful, right? Even if you tell yourself they aren't, there's a small part of you that doesn't believe so.

I've had (at least) seven love confessions and three 'boyfriends'. Online. How many significant boyfriend/girlfriend relationships have I had that started off in real life (TM) ? None. No, I'm not Quasimodo's sister or anything. I look fine. I'm just completely unremarkable, really. And a bit fat. A bit ugly. A bit awkward, a bit shy and hard to be approached. (It doesn't help I don't go clubbing much).

It's enough that no one bridged the 'let's get to know her,' gap in person, though. To be honest and paint myself as less of a loser, I did meet two of the people that were 'in love with me' online in person, and they did like me physically -- so they claimed -- and they didn't stop loving me after meeting me in person. Or run away screaming. In fact, one of my friends tells me I'm pretty all the time -- (I'm really not though) even though things didn't work out. So I mean I'm not in Susan Boyle territory or anything. At least I have been kissed.

If it wasn't for the internet, I might have been Susan Boyle though. Actually that would have been fucking awesome, she's rich now.

Yesterday, I got a friend request from someone I talked to online circa ten years ago. At first, I thought it was just some random spammer-- after all, that's a pretty common occurence on ICQ. I was just about to deny the request when I took a good look at the screen name and realized it was my friend from way back. I accepted, but I'm not really sure what made him look me up suddenly. This person and I tried to have a go at an internet relationship a very long time ago. A series of misunderstandings made it nonviable at the time... he wanted someone in real life, the only option we had was long distance. And then he had a girlfriend, then they broke up... by the time that happened, I had a boyfriend. And that was it.

But this person never even saw me properly. We didn't have Skype back then, and I never sent many photos (I was and am notoriously shy and with low self esteem) and the impression he gave me that he was more in love with himself than he was really in love with me. An almost 'I love you till someone better comes along,' feeling. And that the things he saw in me were exactly as I described above; filling in the blanks... making me out to be his ideal woman. Part of me is wondering if the nostalgia of that era is what made him contact me again. I'm not too sure. But it made me think about internet love in general.

I remember one time, this young guy contacted me. He was from the UK. He was a great guy, really. Pretty good looking, smart, funny.  I'm sure he still is all those things but I lost touch with him. He actually found me through my self-named website that hosted my fanfics at the time. He thought I was his age because I hadn't updated my age on the 'about me' page-- I was actually four years older than him.  He fell in love with me through my writing, he said, and my website. He was 18 at the time.

I'm not talking just a simple crush-- he had this crush for the entire year he talked to me, even though I had a boyfriend at the time and I tried to let him down gently. He'd tell me about other girls but then he'd compare everyone to me. He'd definitely built me up to be his dream girl, when I wasn't anything close, at all. Even when he saw pictures, his enthusiasm lessened, but didn't go away.

I think that's part of it. The 'dream person' factor.

Everyone is looking for a soul mate, even if they think they aren't or don't believe in it, and it's so easy to paint someone you meet online as meeting these criteria because you connect with them. You get t know them before you see them. So automatically it becomes more than just superficiality. It's more than just physical, and It's more than just aesthetics.

Ordinarily you would overlook these people in real life because you would dismiss them (based on looks) before you could connect with them on a meaningful level. 

Not so much now, with the advent of online profiles and dating, but it's still somewhat applicable, depending on how you meet the person. Chat roulette is different to meeting someone on a forum.

I definitely got a 'desperate' feel from guys back then. Partly because back then there were less women online. I mean, it was pre Facebook and stuff. The internet was guy-dominated. And a lot of guys I had spoken to had never had girlfriends in real life--a lot of them were in the same boat as me (cough*ugly*cough) and shy, and quick to say the L-word because of it. I think that internet culture now has different somewhat; people are definitely less accepting of women online, (that's a man!) and definitely eager to use skype use voicechat and whatnot to eliminate the general uncertainty generated when one chats online.

Still, Skype isn't real life, as my mom figured out recently. Mistakes in love online are rampant and with far-reaching repercussions. Still, how amazing is it to get to know someone before seeing them? Pretty amazing. And I'm still hoping that out there somewhere is someone who can see my whole package and like what he sees. (Aren't we all?)

♥