I'm In A Bad Place -- And It Hurts

Recently, I made this new friend.

I really liked this friend... because of a myriad of reasons.

I still consider them my friend even though I haven't heard from them in a bit. This person helped me considerably.

I miss them, to be honest. I miss hearing from them and writing to them. I hope they still consider me their friend but... I'm not sure they do any more.

To me, it was kind of like a long lost sibling. The kind of friend that when you get to know them, it seems like you've known them forever already.

In 13 years of being online, I've only met five people I liked enough to feel that way about; and let in and continue talking to. I actually still keep in touch with all of them, even today (except one, well... two now). And believe me when I say I have met hundreds of people online.

This friend  gave me an outlet for my emotions that was helping me to cope with an event that happened in my life recently. I talk about the event in question a little in the previous entry.

What I'm getting at is that this person made me realize confiding in someone is extremely cathartic for me. Talking to them helped me to get through my shit, but also listening to them did too. And well... it appears they're no longer around to confide in.

This kind of makes me feel a little lost. And a lot sad, to be honest. And really confused. ("Did I mess things up? Am I weird? Do they not like me any more?") Kinda all the things I asked myself in the previous entry, which ironically I wrote way way before any of this.

Anyways.

Since then, I've been worse. Not because this person isn't there necessarily but because some bad things happened to me that made me relapse, and this time, I felt I had no-one to turn to or tell any longer.

I never realized until then how much I had already begun to rely on confiding in this person.

But suddenly, I was alone.

I felt alone. 

I have people there for me in real life, but I'm completely unable to be vulnerable around others. I was only ever able to be 100% vulnerable around one other person in this world, and believe me when I say confiding in him is a no-go right now since he's the reason I'm sad in the first place.

I find it hard to reach out online too. I have another couple of friends I confide in but I always feel like I'm burdening them because they care about me enough that me being sad hurts them. So maybe telling this new friend was an option, and part of me wanted to reach out-- but I couldn't write again because I'd already written twice and I felt like I was really bothering this person. In hindsight, I probably was.

I didn't know what to do. So I do what I always do. I kept it in. Rather, I reigned it in. And I got worse.

Two nights ago while driving along, I had the sudden urge to accelerate full tilt into a brick wall.

That kind of told me, 'okay, something isn't right here.'

So, I thought, 'Do I need someone?' I like to pretend I don't need anyone. And I usually don't. But the last time I felt this bad, it didn't end well for me. So when I didn't know who to turn to a couple of days ago-- I went through and made this blog. I wrote. To me. I confided. In me. I hadn't slept in 48 hours when I made the entry, and I deleted it soon after. It was desperate, sad, rambly, and heartbreaking, at least for me.

"It's me being vulnerable," I wrote, "without actually reaching out to anyone."

It was a pretty weak attempt at reaching out, to be honest.

But it was cathartic.

And it helped.

So I thought, "I need this. I need an outlet for my emotions."

And here we are.

I blog, because nobody likes me. Haha.

So this blog is actually new. It has old entries before this because I pulled all my old backup entries from my old personal blog-- which was from when I was on VOX. VOX went under and though I transferred some of the posts to my Tumblr account, that's not really the place for real blogging. So I never republished the entries anywhere else because I never wrote in it anyway. Until now. Once I decided I needed this outlet and I'd actually start using this again, I decided to transfer my backups. So all the entries prior to this are old, and only this one onwards are new.

I can't promise I'll be all that forthcoming on here. After all, I find being vulnerable especially hard.  There's a reason that the entry that sparked the creation of this blog is no more.

As for my friend, well, you'll always be my friend to me... even if I'm not yours. And it's never to late to write.