So I Have A Date; And Not With My Hand

So I feel a lot better today; thanks for asking, Internet.

You don't care? Fuck you, buddy.

So, I had this bottleneck thing happening (figuratively, not literally-- that would be weird, yet funny...) with my emotions.

I kept pushing them back over and over, and suddenly, I couldn't cope. I felt like I was in a cage, throwing myself at the bars repeatedly. At that moment, it kinda felt like my world was closing in, and I had this feeling like it would take me with it.

Ah, that's so romantic. I like that. That can stay in there.

I'm such a ponce.

Anyway, when I get like this, I call it 'hermit-itis' -- I withdraw so far into myself I can't deal with anyone or anything. I tend to feel so much I can't handle it, and as a consequence I actually become unfeeling and uncaring. It's not a nice place to be. Anyone who knows me really really well, (namely Tazzy, Dabbers and Hezzah) have experienced it first hand many times, and you're always so supportive and always make me feel like a friend even when I'm in hermit mode. I always feel like a douche about it. I'm sorry I do that. I am working on being better. Thanks for being there for me all the time.

... I just realized the people closest to me are all overseas and online. That's crazy, but it makes sense. And you're all American. What's up with that?

GUYS. ILU GUYS. *tears*

I don't get this bad usually, but things have been overwhelming, lately. I found out something really bad which triggered everything, and everyone I reached out to was busy with their own stuff. To be fair to you guys, my 'reaching out' is pretty fucking subtle. You would have needed a magnifying glass to notice it.

My 'reaching out' is kinda weirdly feeble. Like a really effeminate throw. "Eeeuggh." *falls short*

Well, shit.

I'm working on leaning on people more. It's tough. I secretly like to be completely alone, and find it insanely difficult to open up, to anyone. Even this entry is difficult to write. I keep editing it over and over, trying to take anything that deals with how I really feel, out.

That's kinda messed up.

But, I'm trying to keep it in, because truly and honestly, having this outlet helped me-- that's what I took from that person. That having one at all, helped. It doesn't matter if nobody reads it. Just it existing and it being 'out there' is helping me, in some strange way.

I feel good.

But I felt shitty.

In fact, I think I've only felt this bad in one other point in my life, and that time was horrible. And, I think only one person in the world knows about that time. Maybe two. It just always feels like it's a pity party when I tell it, and I hate getting pity. And it's hard for people to hear, too.

Even thinking about it is difficult.

Needless to say, I'm not ready to tell the entire world. I don't think I'll ever be. Maybe if you break down my barriers, I'll tell you, but the only people I ever told I had to maim. Not because they knew too much, but just because I really like to injure people.

It's for fun.

You know, in hindsight, maybe he didn't deserve my unbridled vulnerability, since I give it so reluctantly and yet he was bad at handling it. But truthfully, he was the only person I think I was ever all of myself around, both in-person and online.

I want that again.

Anyway, as I said, I feel way better.

... even though I actually deleted the angst filled entry in question, where I poured my heart out. I wasn't ready to have it so out there. But having certain things 'out there' is again, cathartic to me (I like using that word, shut up) and writing it all out is helping me a lot. So. Thanks. Thanks blog? Whatever, I'm functioning on very little sleep. Leave me alone.

So, the exciting part is, I have a date.

I don't feel I'm ready to seriously date, actually-- and I'm not sure this guy is my type mentally or even physically (he's buff, I like 'teh' weedy guys with the malnutrition), but he is pretty hot, at least.

AND he wears glasses! For reading, but still.

Is it bad I want him to wear glasses all the time? That's superficial, isn't it? If I ask him to just randomly read stuff during our date constantly, will that be suspicious?

WHAT'S THAT ON THIS MENU? WHAT DOES THAT SAY OVER THERE?

.... I don't know why I'm going to be shouting during our date, but that would be fucking funny.

I know, I have a problem. I'm sorry! I just get all swoony over guys wearing glasses. It's mah kryptonite. SIGH.

Also I'm not going into this close-minded. He really is pretty hot and he appears to be relatively nice.

Well, anyways. At the least my 'bleedies' are over now; so I can maybe get lucky. They ruined any prospect of gettin jiggy last weekend. I'm not a floozy but hey, I'm not above getting some. He's hot and  the last tail I got was about five years ago, so I'm due, dammit.

Actually I really don't give that up easily at all, and I've had offers. So while the thought of it might be nice, the reality is I'm probably going to be too freaked out even if he goes in for the kiss.

... fack. FACK. Now I feel nervous just thinking about it.

Anyway, it's a start. I don't think he's my future husband because  I suggested watching Avengers with him, but I betrayed my inner Nerdette and his expression betrayed his disinterest in seeing that movie. He either must really like me, or is reaaaaally polite because he agreed really quickly to seeing it, even though I could tell he really didn't want to watch it.


I reneged, though. Like backpedalled so fucking far that he probably thinks I hate comics, or hate movies, or hate the Avengers. So we're going to watch something else, probably.

So he doesn't like comics. Strike one.

"But you're a buff dude! Don't you like action?"

"I like action, I want to watch 'Act of Valor' actually."

Sigh. Where are all mah comic nerds at?

Anyway, I feel good. It's good for me. And I don't think anything is going to come of it, but it's a start. And I need this right now. And he's pretty good husband material. So my friend keeps reminding me.

But I hate the thought of marriage, and my name doesn't suit his surname at all!

.... like all women, I jump the gun somewhat.

But on to more important things; AH THE AVENGERS IS OUT. We get it like a week before the US. How fucking excited am I? Pretty excited.

I actually am super fangirly about watching it this weekend-- is that sad? My brother Jay wants to go and my best male friend. It's good. because if I went with date guy, then I'd have to wait till NEXT weekend, which is way too far away. Next weekend is practically when the US gets it, and if I watch it at the same time as the US then I have nothing to lord over you guys. Psh.

.... this kinda degenerated into incoherent rambles. Hmm.

That happens to me a lot.

So I don't know how to end this entry. I feel like I should say 'peace out' or something. That's so 90s. Maybe my sign off should reflect my personality more.

My brother says; "to reflect your personality more your tag off should be like: 'See You Later, Bitches!' ... because you know, you swear a lot."

...

Shut up, I'm very ladylike. I braid my leg hair and everything.

..... well I'll let you know how it goes. And by 'let you know' I mean... probably never write in here again, because I tend to neglect this when I'm happy, and I'm getting pretty happy, Internet.

.... See you later, bitches.