So There's This Boy

So there's this boy.

His name is Nick. He's two years younger than me. That makes me happy because it means my sweet cougar powahs are still workin', aw yeah.

I think I have a weird thing where I like clinging to my youth through my boyfriends. It's sad, really. I think I've been with an older guy only once. I think it's because I'm slightly immature in ways and older guys are a bit... well, boring.

Yeah, that's a huge generalization.

Probably not true. Maybe I just like the idea of them being younger than me. But I told myself I wouldn't date someone my exes age again-- too immature-- and I'm getting to the point where I'm almost past my use-by date, so young guys don't want me anyway.

Anyway.


I like Nick; I really do. And I think he likes me... because when a guy says to you; "you should come over, I'll cook you dinner sometime..."

What he really means is; "hey, I want to bonk you." Right?

Even if that's not true, that's what I'm going with. Yeah, he totally wants me. I'm hot shit.*

Disclaimer: I may not be hot shit at all. I may be fat with a goofy head and mostly deluded. But I'm going to go with being hot shit.

My mother wants me to marry Nick. Actually, my mother wants me to marry anyone decent looking that's halfway nice to me. Doesn't matter if I love them or not. Doesn't matter if they're good to me or not.

Handsome? Check. Well off? Check. Decent job? Check. Will he make gossipy old Italian ladies jealous? Well, double check.

"He's perfect for you D! Go and get married!"

Mothers.

I don't want to get married in general, really. Don't care about it. 

"He's an accountant," she says with an insane gleam in her eye. "Papa was an accountant..."

"Yeah, I know. He was my Dad and everything."

Like that makes a difference to me at all.

Nick picked me up last Friday and he got the full insanity of my mother to contend with. She gushed. She gushed about his car, (a 4WD), she gushed about his job, his height, his muscles...

He must like me somewhat because he even contacted me after that and didn't run away screaming.

The thing is, Nick is great and I like him. It's really early days. Maybe there's something there. I'm not going into it with a closed mind.

But...

I feel perched on the threshold between my old life and new life-- on the one hand, poverty but someone who understood me and accepted me, flaws and all... maybe the closest thing I'll ever have to true love...

... on the other hand, someone that superficially ticks all the boxes, but who I know deep down isn't right for me, who doesn't make me laugh, who I can't make laugh, who doesn't 'get' me, share my interests... who on paper, is fucking fantastic.

But yet he can offer me stability, someone here.

If this were a fucking job interview, I'd totally fucking hire him.

But it's not, it's my life.

And it's kind of scary to be here. Part of me wonders if I should start on this path if I have no intention of following it, really.

I do like him, but could I love him? I don't know. Maybe I should cut my losses and see if I can find someone I can feel the way about. I think it's unfair otherwise, and could open me up to a lot of pain later on.

But maybe I'm just not feeling it because I'm not 100% ready since my breakup. I don't know.

Argh. I think about things too much. It's a horrible habit of mine.

Meanwhile, my mother can plan every facet of our future together. She'll ask me if he's texted me like every day.

"Shame he's blonde," she said once.

"Why?"

"I already have two blonde nephews."

....